My Happiest Memory

I have spent 32 years on this planet. Yet, whenever I close my eyes and think of a time when I was the happiest, the answer is always the same. When I was 8, I used to go the local swimming pool with my dad and elder sister. Dad would give me swimming lessons while my sister swam laps all by herself. She was already an expert. I was in no hurry, often content to just float on the water and gaze up at the sky. Being in the cool water in hot summers – it was so rejuvenating. And since we always visited in the evening, the sun would inevitably set when we drove back home.

My sister was usually nice enough to let me take the front seat. I’d roll the window down (I could be trusted not to do silly things like stick my arm out) and rest my head on the windowsill, feeling the breeze sift through my hair. I’d watch the lines on the road whiz by and the gorgeous colours in the evening sky. And I’d dream. I’d dream of one day writing a novel, becoming famous, and doing great things.

Every evening when we drove back from the swimming pool, I was convinced that I was destined for greatness. Life and its possibilities seemed limitless as I sat beside my dad and watched the world go by in all its twilit glory. The sensation of what a beautiful thing it was to be alive filled me till I felt breathless with joy. And I experienced all of this in silence and with a smile on my lips. When we went home, I’d tell my mum and no one else.

Culture: The root cause of social evils in India

While scrolling through my Facebook timeline today, I came across some outrage regarding a Bombay High Court ruling that pressing a minor’s breasts was not a sexual offence if there was no disrobing involved (article link: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/mumbai/sexual-assault-under-pocso-needs-direct-skin-to-skin-contact-bombay-hc/articleshow/80435122.cms).

As disgust, fear, and disbelief knotted inside me, I felt for an instance transported back to my days as a an adolescent and then a young woman in Mumbai, India. The newspapers were inevitably riddled with stories of rape and molestation involving minors, babies, animals, the elderly…there seemed to be no lines left uncrossed by the perverted sections of society. What’s worse, I lived that reality every day of my life – groping incidents, men following, staring, name calling on the streets, the railway station, the bridges, the bars, outside the airport in the wee hours…they were the norm rather than the exception.

Over time, I found ways to minimize such incidents. The patriotism I used to feel as a child was slowly taken over by a deep sense of mistrust and fear. I felt no kinship with a large chunk of my countrymen. And I wasn’t the only woman who felt that way. In 2013, I travelled to London and Paris on my own. There was a moment or two when I did not feel a 100% safe. But other than that, I felt like I was in paradise. I could walk alone in the night and not feel like there was a threat in the air. I didn’t feel the need to jump at shadows, look over my shoulder or hold my handbag close to my chest. Most people barely noticed me and there was no place frequented only by men (which is the case with many shady corners in India after dark). 

I was depressed when I returned home. I knew now that the reality I lived was not the reality women had to face all over the world. Perhaps there were places where it was worse. That did not justify the state of affairs in my own country. I didn’t want to hear “it’s not as bad as the Arab countries.” I didn’t want to hear “no country is perfect”. And I most definitely did not want to hear that women had to be careful. Why? Weren’t we a civilized society where women no longer needed anyone’s “protection”? For the sake of my own sanity, I stopped reading the newspapers. I stopped getting into debates I couldn’t win. I stopped reacting to comments by sexist trolls on countless online forums. I simply began to plan my escape. 

There was a time when not a single day went by when I didn’t feel smothered by the indignities that women in India have to suffer. And what is their reward for somehow surviving all the abuse and the general denial (from both men and women) and the apathy of the courts? Their reward is a lifetime of servitude under the guise of marriage. 

We Indians love to crow about the fact that we take care of our elderly, unlike the “west”. Well, how many married couples do you know who live with the wife’s parents? I don’t know of a single one. It is a part of the esteemed “Indian culture” for women to move into their husband’s parents’ home after marriage. And then they must serve not only their husbands but also their in-laws and at times, even brothers in law. So if you want to avoid spending your old age alone, you better give birth to a son. Alas, nature does not work that way. And it can happen that you keep producing daughter after daughter. And daughters must be married off, the expenses of which you must bear. And daughters cannot take care of you when you are old and unwell. Little wonder then that India has one of the highest female foeticide incidents in the world. 

Anyone who doesn’t realize how closely culture and social evils are linked needs to have a reality check. My rant could go on and on but I know there will be those who will find ways to justify and twist every single point I make. One thing is for sure – change is slow and hard. And I don’t see it happening as long as we keep conforming to a societal model where a woman’s parents are somehow less important, where being older somehow entitles you to blind respect and obedience (case in point: after marriage, many women cannot even lift a finger without the approval of their mothers in law), where the suppression of women is openly portrayed in mass media and turned into entertainment, and where a Baghban will touch countless emotional chords but one post like this will fire up all the so-called “proud Indians” to speak up against this anti-national, west-worshipping spawn of the English devil. 

Of course, I no longer feel these emotions on a daily basis. But now and then, I still fear for the little girls in India. I hope they wake up to a different reality tomorrow. 

A Plan For My Old Age

There was a time when the average lifespan for human beings was not more than 60 years. In some ways, it was a blessing. One did not have to reckon with 30-40 years of old age, often compounded by poor health, dwindling finances, and inevitable dependence on one's offspring. Of course, life is like a drug, and we can never have enough of it. On the positive side, post-retirement life is an opportunity to sit back and relax, unimpeded by the stress of a 9-to-5 job, child rearing, and the indefatigable ambitions of youth.

There are inspiring stories (and I personally know many) of senior citizens travelling the world, giving back to society, and living to the fullest until the very end. But equally, there is the problem of elderly people unable to pay mounting medical bills, being hoodwinked by children who sometimes strip them of their houses, and conversely, throttling their offspring and children in law with their own desires, unending demands, and need for control.

Take a look at the number of Indians contending with the problem of joint families, an unpalatable concept for many women (and men, though they rarely seem to voice it) used to independence, free will, and the joys of living on one's own terms. After all, how can one be expected to make a living, tend to one's children, find time for recreation, and also manage to look after elderly parents with psychological and/or physical ailments? Life is not meant to be so punishing. And so, here's what I plan for my old age.

1. I will not live with my children or force them to live with me once they get married. In fact, I might have a problem if they wanted to do so. I value my lifestyle and in my sunset years, I imagine that I'd want a quiet life with much contemplation. Why would I want to put up with their busy schedules and babysit their children even when I didn't have the energy? I would love, however, to get to know my son/daughter-in-law as a friend, be there for my children always, and live close by, so I could spend time with my grandchildren occasionally.

2. I would try my best to be as fit and healthy as possible. This of course must begin now, with regular exercise and a nutritious diet that will keep diseases at bay when old age weakens my immunity. I will ensure I have health insurance, walk regularly, get sunlight daily, and solve crosswords and learn new skills to avoid mental degeneration. I will try my best to keep up with technology, although I promise not to intrude into the lives of those who matter to me. If it happens that despite my best efforts I need constant care and attention, I would be more than willing to live in a nursing home, which brings me to my next point.

3. I will save enough for my sunset years. I will make sure I am dependent on no one, and have enough equity and investments to see me through my post-retirement life. I want to be able to finance my stay in a nursing home if required. I would also want to travel, and not be a burden on my children as far as possible.

4. I promise never to have a superiority complex because of my age alone. Everyone grows old - what's the achievement in that? Everyone deserves to be respected and heard - young and old. And in fact, each decade ushers in changes that requires us to evolve. Hanging on to the past and expecting the new generation to adhere to outdated customs - what satisfaction would that bring me?

5. If in spite of everything, I end up living under the same roof as my child, I would never try to assert myself as the head of the house or interfere in their decisions. I would give them the privacy they needed, and expect the same for myself. Young children can be noisy, and if that bothered me, I'd go for a walk in the park instead of asking them to stop enjoying their lives.

Tell me, what, in any of the points mentioned above is unethical, immoral, or evil-natured? Yet, I don't see anyone reflecting such opinions in today's India - be it the parents who seem to find illogical pleasure in poking their noses into their children's marriages, or the sons who fervently condemn 'western ideals' of living alone. Here is some food for thought - life is short, and love can exist even with some space. In fact, relationships flourish when there is room to breathe. What do you think?

India: Is It Really Unity in Diversity?

I am critical of my country because I know it well. I am not anti-national, nor am I nationalistic. On an intellectual level, I don't believe in divisive concepts like countries, religions, or sub-communities. But on a practical level, I know such demarcation is necessary for the smooth functioning of society, and the administration of territories. What irks me is how emotional we get about these things. The place you were born, the religion you were born into, the sex you were granted - ALL of these are matters of chance. They do not make you. They only give you a framework to operate in.

India is actually a shining example of oneness over differences, with its numerous languages, customs, and states. So when I see the subtle imposition of North Indian ideals on the whole of the country, I can't help but be appalled. Whether you look at movies in popular culture or the agenda pursued by the current government, it seems that they would want all of us to become "Sanskaari" sari/dhoti-clad, temple-going, joint family-respecting, women-subjugating Hindu nationalists. But why?

India is a free land; a democracy, that is veritably on the path to becoming a global superpower. What place do such petty politics have in a nation backed by rich spiritual history and a tradition of tolerance espoused by Mahatma Gandhi, purportedly the Father of the Nation (yes, he was not perfect, but his contribution to India and the world is unparalleled)? I used to believe that the current generation would embrace open-mindedness and egalitarianism. But I see the same conversations that have always polluted our thinking - caste, religion, blind following of traditions, and unfair expectations from women.

I was once an idealist but I don't really know where the country will go from here. Here's praying for a better, wiser future, with less communal fanaticism and more focus on crime and poverty reduction, afforestation and wildlife preservation, cleanliness, and regard for personal space and choices. No country in the world is perfect, but the Scandinavian countries have consistently topped happiness indexes. And you know what - the reasons include good social support, financial and job security, affinity for the outdoors, work-life balance, trust, gratitude, and community spirit. Nothing to do with grating nationalism or changing city names to reflect a twisted image of what certain groups believe a country should be. 

Finally, A Dating App That Knows You’re More Than Just A Picture

Courtesy: Pixabay

A good selfie, a bunch of hobbies, your age, sex, and location – is that all you are, really? And would you want someone to like, and eventually love you on that basis? If you answered a big fat NO, then you should probably give OkCupid a try.

We can all agree that finding a suitable partner in today’s times can be very, very difficult. #ForeverSingle might seem comical on social media but for many of us, it’s a depressing truth. We trudge to work, oversleep on weekends, and perhaps go on the occasional blind date on the recommendation of a family member or friend. And yet, the years go by, and true love remains a distant dream. Not everyone wants to jump into an arranged marriage with someone who probably comes with tons of baggage you never wanted or asked for. Nor are we all Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, willing to ‘experiment’ and have crazy one-night-stands in the quest for a real, fulfilling relationship.

Enter the much-disputed world of dating apps. Love them or hate them, you can’t really do without them when Mr/Ms Right isn’t crossing your path in real life. But the fact of the matter is, most of the platforms out there are either matrimonial sites or hook-up apps without a conscience. Navigating either can feel like a desperate exercise for those who’d like the luxury of exploring a serious relationship at leisure – you know, get to know someone slowly, so that perhaps one day, you might do that thing that your parents are dying for. #OkCupid has been designed for people like that.

OkCupid gets to know you the way you’d want to be known.

 

Courtesy: OkCupid on PlayStore

There are a million things that make you ‘you’. Maybe it’s the way you purse your lips when you’re worried. Or the fact that you sometimes like your Maggi cold. Your most precious moments and the most embarrassing ones, the times you danced and the times you wept, the people who made you and the ones that broke you (for a while), the days that life seemed perfect, and the days when the sun just wouldn’t shine – what if an app wanted to know all of it?And that means, so would your potential life partner. Imagine the ocean of things you’d have to talk about on a first date when you’ve been privy to such intimate details about each other. When you sign up on OkCupid, chances are, you’d go on a journey of self-discovery, because the app asks you so many quirky, interesting, and exhaustive questions in the course of setting up your profile. So no, you aren’t just your height, weight, and vital statistics. You’re a living, breathing human with a gamut of passions inside you. You are #SubstanceoverSelfies.

Of course, the app does cover basics like political and religious beliefs, and expectations such as a long-term or short-term relationship. And for every question you answer about yourself, you also submit your preferences in your partner on the same subject. A few examples:

• ·       How would you describe yourself: Intense or Carefree?
• ·       Would you rather be: Normal or Weird?
• ·       Would you date someone who was really messy?
• ·       Would you date someone who was in debt?
• ·       Choose the better romantic activity: Kissing in Paris or Kissing in a Tent, in the Woods
• ·       Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

Courtesy: OkCupid App

And to the developers of OkCupid, here are a few suggestions from my side (feel free to add your own in the comments, and we’ll hope our genius is heard!):

• ·       If you could travel with only one thing, would it be your: Phone or Camera?
• ·       How long could you survive with just food and water in an empty room? One day, one week, one hour
• ·       Which one would you prefer: A Cloudy Day or A Snowy Day?

Once you’ve answered a few questions, you can view profiles and swipe left or right, depending on whether they appeal to you or not. You get a notification only if someone liked you as well (termed a “Double Take”). And after that, well, the ball’s in your court!

OkCupid believes in mutual trust and kindness.

The world of online dating can sometimes be really unkind. After all, anonymity and the protection of a computer screen let you get away with much more than you would in real life. While no app can control the behaviour of users a 100%, OkCupid does place a very important emphasis on being respectful. In fact, users have to “pledge” to follow a certain code of conduct before they chat with someone for the first time. When you meet someone new, things may not always work out, but it’s always better to part with dignity, right? ‘Hide’ and ‘block’ functions are also available to help you avoid certain profiles.

How do you find matches?

Courtesy: OkCupid on PlayStore

The app shows you best matches based on the answers you submit in your initial questionnaire. But you could also search for people by interests or factors like owning a pet. When someone likes you back, you both receive a notification, allowing you to take things ahead. And because profiles on OkCupid are so much more rounded than a conventional dating bio, you’ll have tons of conversation starters to choose from.

Is the app free?

Yes, it’s absolutely free to install and use OkCupid. However, there are some additional features that can only be unlocked with a paid subscription. It’s up to you whether to upgrade or not.

You can:

·       Find OkCupid India on Instagram

·       Download OkCupid for Android

·       Download OkCupid for iOS

Every week, 50,000 people in 113 countries find a date thanks to OkCupid. And for the evolved urban man or woman, it is probably the most discerning dating app in the Indian (and international) market. Here’s hoping you find true love before the next monsoon – because who wouldn’t like a rain dance with a special someone?

70 years of Independence but no freedom for women

India completed 70 years of independence on 15th August, 2017. But so many of her women are still confined to home and hearth - rarely given a choice or opportunity to grow any wings beyond being 24/7 housekeepers, cooks and cleaners. And yet, so few raise a voice. So few protest. Most are content to let the status quo continue, under the garb of 'tradition' and 'culture'. Let me say it out aloud - Indian culture, you've had your time in the sun. Now, please make way for the egalitarian and free society that women here truly deserve.

I used to think that the country has changed; that my life would be no different from a man's. After all, our ancestors sacrificed their sweat and blood to wrest control from the English. And the best freedom fighters weren't just men - women, children and the elderly; everyone joined the fray. Everyone believed it was a cause worth dying for. And look where we are today. Many women in smaller towns and villages still don't study beyond school and even if they do, their degrees collect dust on ornate shelves while they don saris, jewellery and sindoor, sacrificing their lives to nurturing their husbands, children and in-laws. Maybe that aunt who makes perfect rotis could also draw up fool-proof building plans. Who knows if that sweet sister-in-law has skills beyond laundering and pressing her family's clothes? Developed countries have compromised with ready-to-cook meals, modern gadgets and the aide of other agencies wherever required. It's not like women there don't care for their families or have children. It's just that they do a lot more than that - they do what makes them happy and brings them professional satisfaction too. But we Indians remain loyal to our home-cooked food and maa ka pyaar. And guess whose dreams, abilities and potential remain crushed under mortar and pestle? All the women in our families - able, sensitive human beings who have committed no crime other than to be born with a different set of reproductive organs.

To men, please stop expecting perfect, elaborate and lavish meals thrice a day. It's all right to take shortcuts as long as you're eating healthy in the long run. Please recognise that you are no better or worse than the women in your life and you both deserve to be equally happy, whatever the route to that may be.

To women, please stop pulling each other down. Be nice to your daughters-in-law and don't groom your daughters to be perfect wives. Groom them to be great human beings and to contribute to their families and society at large in whatever way they deem best.

To everyone, freedom means little if we don't have it in our own homes. All change is not bad. And we don't have to adhere to traditional gender roles. Women can lift heavy bags too. And men can also learn to cook. Exchanging skills and sharing in responsibilities will NOT lead to the breakdown of households. And happiness means more than order or perfection. In fact, it means everything.

Here's hoping that the current generation fosters a fairer India.

Let go of anger in 2017.

I've had one major problem (self-created sadly) that has dogged me for all of 2016. It has been rising in proportion since the last few years and threatens to overwhelm me completely. It's the emotion that is of absolutely no use unless directed towards fruitful effort: anger.

You wouldn't be too far off the mark describing me as an 'Angry Young Woman'. I wasn't always like this but lately, I've let every slight annoyance, be it an event, an utterance or a person, to take me to the point of extreme agitation. My skin grows flushed, my heartbeat quickens I do something I shouldn't and within a few minutes, it's all over, leaving behind that familiar sinking feeling. Yes, I almost always apologise and do my utmost to make amends. But it has happened so many times that I've lost count of the number of times I've said 'sorry'. And I don't want to do this anymore.

I've always believed that anger is a result of ego. People who are too puffed up with pride feel offended at the slightest injury to their egos. I'm afraid I may have joined that ignominious category. I tend to take everything personally and I have a very thin skin. I'm oversensitive and it's all too easy to take refuge in fury. I also take everything too seriously. Why should a colleague's behaviour matter so much? I should reserve the angst for the truly important things. Do you have the same problem as me? Then maybe both of us can benefit from these tips:

1. Delay every angry reaction by 30 minutes (or until you forget about the incident). If you still feel as disturbed, evaluate your response and then take action. Anger is born of impulse and in the absence of the rush of fury, it's almost impossible to be as angry.

2. Stop taking pride in anger. It's not a sign of strength or courage. It merely points to your instability and inability to treat things with maturity and equanimity. Instead, start taking pride in remaining unruffled. It's a skill that will take you far in life.

3. Smile or diffuse the situation with humour, whenever a tense circumstance develops. I'm not great at impromptu jokes but even I can't hold on to my temper if I smile genuinely.

4. Understand that it is never okay to be rude. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Even if the other person is in the wrong, you have no right to lambast them. Everyone has a right to be treated with courtesy, even if that person is your spouse or child. The truth in your words isn't affected by the tone or volume at which they are delivered.

5. Say "I will not be angry today. I will stay calm." ten times every morning prior to meditation. Write it down ten times when you come to work. Repeat it in your mind ten times before you go to sleep. Let the intention to stay calm echo in every corridor of your mind, heart and soul. Anger is destructive and deserves to be banished.

6. This tip is personal to me but may work for you if like me, you get agitated by certain types of injustice in the world. For me, I feel a rush of fury whenever I read about crimes against women or the environment. I have made a conscious decision to avoid such news items and to give them minimal attention even if I do encounter them. The right response to my concern is to do something to improve matters - not ruin my health with anger.

7. Treat other people like you would treat yourself. Respect them and never talk down. Understand that people behave according to their own value systems. They might not think like you do, but that doesn't always make them wrong or bad. They have no obligation to listen to you or change according to your desires.

8. Learn to be humble. You can't take credit for your life or the advantages you were born with. What's the point in being egoistic about that which has been granted to you and that which will be taken away one day?

9. Be steadfast in your devotion to your own health and happiness. Anger will never make you happy. Calmness and contentment will. Anger will mess with your health by causing you stress. Why put your body and mind through all that trouble?

10. Don't sweat the small stuff. Small irritations are like insects - you can swat them away but they may return, again and again. But do they stop you from living your life and enjoying what you do? Not at all. Don't bother about trivialities that are out of your control.

So I guess I have made a New Year resolution after all. I will let go of anger in 2017. In fact, I have already done so. What about you?

Spare me the information overload!

I don't like travelling in groups. I rarely like doing anything in groups. But agencies/brands/PR love organising group FAMs (familiarisation trips a.k.a. sponsored trips for the purpose of promotion). And as a mediocre earner who worships travel, who am I to complain? But seriously, there's nothing more annoying than being subjected to the same images and videos from 20 different bloggers/travellers/writers over the same period of time. After a point, it feels like being brainwashed; like the worst form of advertisement. Tourism agencies, you really don't want that. And I wonder what insights one could probably have about a place when one is so busy photographing/recording/posting every other minute in a bid to outdo every other person on the same trip?

1.5 years into travel blogging, I still crave individual invites because isn't travel more about immersing and experiencing than competing to give the maximum coverage and ruining the surprise completely for future visitors? People really have forgotten the art of teasing with the right amount of information over overdosing with a barrage of photos and videos that leave little unsaid.

I've faced some flak over my preference for words even in this "instant era" of images, videos, Snapchats and Youtube. But the problem with videos/images is that they leave little to imagination. And that's why I still prefer the layered mystery of words over anything else. Videos and photographs can also be thought-provoking but they have to be very well thought-through and executed for that. That requires planning, time and technical expertise. That's not the case with words. Even a few drunken scribbles on a tissue paper can be profound. Because that's just how words are. They let our minds wander, leave room for interpretation and inspire thirst to experience what the writer did, without giving away the entire story.

Frankly, if I had seen a 100 videos of the Eiffel Tower before I actually went there, I can't imagine how underwhelmed I would've felt. I'm glad I was relatively unexposed to social media in those days. And even now, any research I conduct is purely relating to the itinerary. I am definitely not interested in seeing edited versions of a place I'd rather perceive with a fresh set of eyes.

Brands and agencies crowd this age of information load with their demands for more and more posts, more and more coverage, more and more live tweets. It's never ending. In my opinion, two or three posts a day are more than enough, as long as there is some variation between various social media streams. Let the traveller soak in the place, spend hours staring into the foliage and jotting down thoughts in a diary.

I know I'm being dismissive but I really feel apps like Snapchats are designed for frivolity. What could you possibly convey in five words and a picture? A lot, I'm sure some would say. But I know for sure that I could convey a lot more than that with a 140 character tweet or a 500 word blog post. And I'd rather do it when I'm travelling for myself, than with a gaggle of voices constantly intruding into my blooming love affair with a new destination.

A demon called egotism

They say that the flaws you see in others are a reflection of the flaws in your own self. If that is indeed true, it means I'm egoistic and rude. Because honestly, inflated egos and a predilection for rudeness are all I've been witnessing at my workplace lately. Whatever I do, I don't seem to be able to command a healthy level of respect, admiration or even a feeling of being liked. It's a Herculean task for me to get anything accomplished that requires the assistance and/or cooperation of other people. This is why I've always preferred being a solo player. I simply cannot deal with the idiosyncracies of people.

I believe that character quirks have no place at the workplace. Whether you don't like taking orders or being told what to do by a woman, you have to do what is required of you at the workplace. I see smooth talkers having an easy time of it with well-timed jokes and a decent dose of man-to-man inappropriateness. I'm not sure this is a man v/s woman issue but I wonder if my being a relatively young woman has something to do with the fact that men don't seem to want to listen to me, address me by the disrespectful Hindi title 'tu' or feel they have the right to speak to me rudely. Case in point - I asked a designer to align a few lines of text on a page-making software and he flatly told me it couldn't be done. Reality - I managed to do most of it myself; so I knew for a fact that he was merely giving me a hard time.

People have often given me a hard time. Can you then blame for me wanting to shun them whenever I can? I love the people I hold close - the ones who are there for me. I know that strangers have no obligation to you. But as colleagues, don't we have an unwritten requirement for courtesy, teamwork and sincerity? The other day, a pantry boy screamed at me for purportedly using the wrong cup for hot water. He has a system which in my opinion, I have understood. But he still gives me a hard time. A showdown or two later, he still hasn't apologised.

Don't think I haven't noticed that these incidents seem to occur with me most often, though other colleagues have also occasionally faced issues. I know for a fact that I have a hot temper and an ego that rears its head now and then. Ego in itself is merely an affirmation of one's identity but egoism on the other hand brings a fall sense of superiority and alienates one from other people. Trust me, I have tried my best to be humble and respectful whenever I can. But after numerous episodes, I've lost my desire to try. I feel like I should return rudeness with rudeness.

Gandhiji's words - 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind' resound in my ears. I know it isn't the right approach. Every morning when I wake up, I reaffirm my commitment to humility, good temper and contentment. But as the day advances, irritations pool within the insides of my head and give me a headache. I am done with this daily routine of dealing with - and then suddenly, someone is nice to me unexpectedly. And everything seems a bit better. I gather the courage to brave another day and another bucketful of temperamental challenges.

I've found my God.

A forest in Madhya Pradesh, India

I prayed in a temple
I heard no answer
I prayed in a church
I heard only silence
I prayed beneath a tree
And the leaves rustled in response.
I guess I've found my God.

Divinity is everywhere. Why restrict yourself to one religion? Why worship something which creates divisions among souls of the same whole?

I find it tragic that we reject love because we believe we 'belong' to different Gods. This, after humankind has come so far.

I find it insane that we should believe we are different from each other; we who have the same breath of life in us as is in a bird or an ant. 

It is deplorable that we judge each other based on 'which' God we worship. There is one force which flows through the whole universe and each of our selves. How silly it is to weave different theories around that force and attribute different philosophies to it, as though this force were an egoistic human being intent upon gaining followers.

Call me blasphemous but I wish to worship the soil we walk on, the poetry we write and the air we breathe. I want to find Godliness in the mountains that tower over us and the rain that soaks our skin; in the forests that nurture us and the sea that the world emerged from.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - religion makes no logical sense. I know it comforts some and provides a purpose to their lives; something to look forward to and follow in their daily course of lives, but we have to move past this way of thinking. We have to look beyond simple notions of right and wrong and search within our souls for the thread that links us to the web of all creation. And when we all find that thread, perhaps the world will disappear in a shower of sparks and none will exist to dwell upon its memory. 

My religion is art, beauty, kindness and love. I reject anything which would have us feel superior to or different from one another. Can you really find it in your heart to speak against this sentiment?

How do crimes fit into karma?

There's a big loophole in the karma theory or the law of cosmic justice, which otherwise seems grounded in the physics principle that says, every action must have an equal and opposite reaction. This loophole is the suffering that innocent people have to go through - victims of rape, sodomy, torture, abuse and degenerative diseases. Nobody deserves that fate, as a friend once told me. Until then, I'd been an ardent believer in karma.

And today as we pray for the departed soul of Aruna Shanbhag, I am reminded anew that the karma theory has its loopholes. Because regardless of which religion he/she belongs to, God cannot be anything but kind and merciful. I cannot believe that redemption takes place in 'paying for your crimes'. Redemption has to take place in a cleansing of the soul that comes through penance and practiced goodness.

I know what staunch believers of the karmic theory say - that the rapists of today will suffer the same fate in a succeeding life. But if that were true, humanity would never have evolved and will never evolve. That kind of justice perpetuates a cycle of horrors and I don't believe any God with unconditional and all-encompassing love would ever sit with a ledger bearing an account of people's deeds and make cold-hearted judgements. I don't believe that God condemns some souls to eternal hell. Salvation has to happen without causing additional suffering. Perhaps, it happens in silence, guilt and an eruption of conscience. But I do not believe that it happens in a flood of blood and tears.

In fact, is there a God at all in a world so messed up? If ever there was a time when we needed living, breathing, fire-thundering Gods, it is now. But where are they? All we have is this little whisper of conscience in our own selves and the eternal battle of temptation versus the knowledge of right and wrong. Will the world end one day and take all of humanity with it? Or will we all truly evolve to the point where every one of us has attained Godliness to the extent of non-existence? Will there be a new world where goodness reigns supreme and evil has never been conceived? Or will there just be emptiness and an eternal silence? Silence would be good. It would be really good.

The tragedy of the shifting centre.

Wikimedia Commons

We are all the centre of someone's universe. But not forever. And that's not a bad thing.

For babies, their primary focus is their mother, and then their father. There is no disputing this. The one who sustains (by feeding) and the one who protects: these are a baby's world and make up his/her complete focus. This is instinctive behaviour and not a choice that the baby has to make. But things get complicated as the baby makes its transition into adulthood.

When young, our elder siblings and our parents are our world. We want to be like them one day. Happiness means spending fun times with the family. But, the axis begins to shift as we approach our teens. Suddenly, friends seem to have become the most important things in our lives. We'd rather spend weekends 'hanging out' with our buddies than our 'un-cool' parents and overbearing siblings.

As we begin to approach adulthood, our focus turns to our education and then, our jobs. In this phase, our pillars are still our friends and family but we might think more about our boss and colleagues than anyone else. This is the time when many fall in love and their focus shifts to their boyfriend/girlfriend. It's a strange phase to be in because Indian society still treats 'dating' like a distraction. It's hard to prioritise one's partner without facing some disapproval.

Once we pass the first quarter of our lives and begin to feel a desire for wedlock, our focus undoubtedly shifts to our life partners. It's not like we have stopped loving our friends or families. It is merely a matter of priorities. Once married, our focus shifts to the family we're going to create, although we are still a part of the family that created us. Nevertheless, it is like the baton being passed on - once our parents set up home, had babies and brought them up. Now, we're about to do the same.

Would this task be possible if our parents insisted on shifting our focus back to them instead? Not in the least. Yet, that's what a lot of Indian parents insist on doing. The trouble with parents is, once they have children, their axis forever remains centered on their beloved offspring. Love is a great thing but it must also be tempered by an understanding of what it means to advance in life. The centre of our universe keeps shifting, but the other points do always remain. A man once married, is a husband first. But he is still a son, friend and brother as well. When this man has a child, he will become a father first. His love for his wife hasn't diminished at all but he must make it a priority to give his child a good home and upbringing.

Our parents have gone through the same tragedy of the shifting centre. The mother who's hanging on to her son for dear life - didn't she dote on her own mother once? Didn't she also expect her husband to support her above everyone and everything else? Why does she suddenly wish to deny the natural order of things? Indian parents who refuse to accept the reality of the shifting centre are merely perpetuating unhappiness for the very people they claim to love the most.

Sadly, our society encourages this kind of unnatural behaviour. And strangely enough, in the ancient times, it wasn't the case. For Hindus at least, life was divided into four stages: the student stage, the householder stage, the hermit stage and the ascetic stage. To be honest, renouncing life at the age of 50 is pretty unrealistic. However, the general trend of this practice is admirable. Stepping back from the affairs of others (even your kin) once they have begun their own journey is not only advisable; it's a direct product of maturity. Yet, today, to be a good 'daughter in law' means to put with the demands of ten people other than your husband and your children for as long as they are around. This is certainly not what our customs and traditions dictated. This is what generations of controlling and materialistic individuals have perpetuated and condoned.

Yes, it's human to feel attached to the ones we love. But it's also human to allow our loved ones to live their lives with the freedom they deserve. Let's not cloak our insecurities in the name of 'love'.

Making sense of life, together

Wikimedia Commons

It's at those moments when we're feeling low in life that we realise what really matters - the ability to reach out to those with whom we share the mutual bond of love. For some it's immediate family and for others, it's their close circle of friends. For animal lovers, it's their dog or cat and nature lovers will often turn to their plants for solace. I could tell you about the way I tided over my teenage bouts of depression through long, soul-searching conversations with my mother. Or I could tell you about the intensely close bonds I formed on campus during post-graduation and the way we pulled each other up, when the other had lost the sheen of optimism. But I'll tell you something different - I'll tell you about the trees outside my house.

Throughout my growing years, I'd be incredibly fascinated by the trees outside our windows. Fortunately in those days, the foliage around the building was a lot denser than it is now. As a child, it stupefied me that while one could converse with humans and even animals via signs and gestures, one couldn't exchange a single word with a tree or a flower. And so after a fight or a trying day at school, I'd watch the asoka tree outside our bedroom window, wishing they'd talk to me. They'd rustle gently in the afternoon breeze, seemingly oblivious to my presence. But after a while, a strange sort of magic would occur. In spite of the breeze, the tree would cease to move. The leaves would be absolutely still; as though listening to me. Encouraged, I'd tell the tree about the friends who'd betrayed me at school; about loneliness, disappointment and disillusionment. These were heavy emotions for a child to bear and yet as we all know, childhood is not as hunky dory as it's painted out to be. Those of us who aren't sociable or popular sometimes have a hard time 'fitting in' and understanding the ways of the world. The tree would listen without judgement. And then I'd ask a question; usually a sort of reassurance. In my heart, I'd decide that if the tree began waving in the wind, it was a yes. It would also be a sign that it was my friend. And I kid you not, whether or not there was any breeze (often there wasn't), the dear asoka tree would begin waving and the breeze that wafted towards me was symbolic of the friendship we had forged.

At heart, I'm an optimist. But often, this outlook is shrouded by the daily discontent that I experience and sometimes, I forget that it exists altogether. I even wonder whether I'm actually a cynic. It is as those times that I turn to my best friends - the trees; both near and far. They have hearts far purer than people for they know no evil. I believe that these beings are perhaps more sentient than us and they have been around for many aeons longer than man. Trees are so different from us; as though carved from a different hand of creation altogether. But they embody many things that we are not - peace, oneness with nature and unconditional generosity.

I love the people who make my life worth living. But I was devastated when most of the asoka trees outside our bedroom were hewn to make space for more light. I shed tears every time I read about deforestation in favour of development. Nature is the ultimate embodiment of optimism for me and I hope I never have to face a world without her in it. 

I don't understand modern-day friendships.

Wikimedia Commons

I don't understand modern-day friendships. I don't understand tagging people, sharing private conversations and declaring your fondness for special ones to the world. I don't understand the attribution of degrees like best and better. I don't understand the constant shifting of people under the tag of 'best friend'. I don't understand competing and kiss emoticons and 100 different 'close friends'. I simply don't understand Facebook likes (and the failure to do so) and keeping in touch with 50 different 'friends' over 10 different platforms every single day. I don't understand the baring of hearts to so many different people at different points.

Small talk, parties, dances with veritable strangers ('good friends' a day after meeting them), inclusions, exclusions (of those not 'cool' enough), back-biting (in the name of humour), flattery laced with malice, frenemies, compartmentalised buddies - all of it is Greek to me.

All I understand is this: loving a few and loving them truly; enjoying their company irrespective of Facebook status updates and Foursquare check-ins and boastful selfies on Twitter. I understand trivial conversations and philosophical arguments. I understand baring my heart to a special person or two. I understand cherishing the great moments and putting them up on the walls of my memory (not virtual walls). I understand the occasional post when you're truly overwhelmed; its specialness ensconced in its rarity. I understand friendship like I understand nature - silent and deep, with an occasional ripple.

Yes, I have only a few good friends and perhaps, that's my karma. Perhaps my folly lies in judging those with a 1000 invitees to their wedding. Perhaps, they have a lot more colour and fervour in their lives. But I'll never be them. They'll never be me. And never the twain shall meet.

A new life

When I was a kid, my favourite game was one I'd devised; and it was called 'New life'. My sister and I - we'd set a time for a 'secret meeting' in the veranda with snacks and drinks on the agenda. At the appointed time, we'd sit down with an ornate diary (for inspiration) and pencil and proceed to plan our 'new life'. We'd list the things we'd change; the habits we'd introduce and we'd lose ourselves in imagining this life of perfection. Solving 'mysteries' was almost always a major part of this new life. Why such an obsession with newness, you might ask. I don't really know. I think we used it as a way of brightening our moods and getting ourselves out of a 'funk'. Little did I know that I'd be playing this game for real, later on in life.

If I had to list the times when I embarked on a 'new life', so to speak, they' be the following:
1. When I left school and joined college
2. When I left home for my post-graduation
3. When I joined the workforce

So that's basically the life transitions that everyone goes through. The first one was particularly difficult for me because I was a diffident, introverted child who'd studied in a school with a dismal environment. Transiting to the dazzling, super-talented and uber cool world of St Xavier's was quite a shock and I did not cope as well as I should have done. I shudder to think of what my life would have been if I'd never managed to shake off that air of not 'being good enough'. But that's the thing about life - it ensures that the status quo never remains constant. This is both a good and a bad thing - because neither the good times nor the bad will go on forever. I do believe in some constants though - these are the pillars that stay with you through thick and thin. And a life well lived is a life with at least one solid pillar, in the form of a person, passion or initiative. So when I joined a new college to pursue my graduation in mass media, I decided that this time, I'd truly begin a 'new life' and I did.

It's simple really - all you have to do is imagine who you want to be, and then start acting like that person immediately. 

I wanted to be more confident, sociable and pro-active and there wasn't a single day at college when I wasn't doing something to strengthen one or more of these attributes. It's only the beginning that's difficult - eventually, the person you want to be, becomes an indelible part of you. Of course, you may need to prod yourself now and then to remember all that you're capable of, but that's an effort you have to be willing to make. Turkish writer Orhan Pamuk even wrote a novel titled 'The New Life'. The concept has obviously found favour in philosophy and I'm not surprised - there is something extremely attractive about wiping the slate clean. But in my dictionary, starting anew is not about letting go of everything you've been until this point. It's about taking control of yourself and directing yourself in the direction you want.

For that matter, even brands need to #startanewlife now and then. Sometimes, it's an essential aftermath of a crisis; at other times it's merely the need to shake things up and get rid of stagnancy. Here is how Housing.com did it:

Do you wish to #startanewlife? Tell me how you plan to do so as a comment below.

Optimism: The only way to face tomorrow

Wikimedia Commons

There is in the cheer of birds

And the gleam of well-woven words

An unveiled ode to optimism.

I believe, we're all living two parallel realities at any given time - our limited version and the world's unlimited one. Even as we suffer setbacks and disappointments; sometimes as minor as a scuffle in the train; other times as major as a dismissal from a job; the world continues to generate breathtakingly lovely sunsets, rivers continue to flow their course; tiger cubs continue to grow to regal, fearsome adulthood and nature continues its unceasing, relentless creation of magic and beauty. Even as some people commit heinous crimes, others continue to strive to alleviate poverty and deforestation. The good and the bad - they run on parallel axes and both are ceaseless. Our tiny destinies and the universe's infinite one - they unfold; both at the same time. What does it all mean? It's a question that has bothered every human being at some time or the other; some more often than others. And the answer I have found acceptable is this - you can either choose to live as though your finite reality were the only one; allowing mistakes and failures to overwhelm you over and over; or you can choose to be aware of the greater reality at all times; drawing strength from it to find beauty and goodness even in the midst of the most impenetrable darkness. Victory is in the latter choice because frankly, optimism is the only way you can face tomorrow and be happy about it.

It takes magnanimity and humility to confess that the life you're living may not be all-important; that the misfortunes that befall you aren't exactly having a monumental impact on the planet. But once you attain this mindset, you realise that there is always something to be happy about; something to be grateful for; even if it's just the air you breathe or the sunshine warming your wintry toes. You start deriving positivity from people and phenomena that aren't directly connected to you - such as a wayward flower or a stranger child. Your spectrum of happiness widens to encompass so much more than your immediate surroundings and events; and eventually if it widens to encompass the whole wide world, don't you think your cup of joy would overflow for all eternity? This is my definition of optimism - the unwavering capacity to find joy in that which doesn't directly affect you; the ability to derive pleasure from undiluted expression of the spirit; be it a birdsong, a work of art or a joke that someone cracks. Then, even if you had not a cent to your name or a person to call your own, you'd still be happy. Because there is so much in this world that's good and beautiful and pure. We are all immeasurably wealthy for we can smile; every single moment that we please. We can feast our eyes on colourful flowers and innocent babies; play invigorating games; run, dance, skip and jump as often as we please! And even if our abilities are impaired such that we cannot do all of this, there is still so much that we can enjoy; so much we can find pleasure in! Optimism is in fact the only logical way to be; any other attitude is but woefully short-sighted and blinded.

It would be hard to pinpoint one favourite story of optimism; because everyday, I come across marvellous tales of superhuman courage, benevolence and creativity. So I'll simply tell you the most recent one that made an impact on me - this is about a girl in Orissa who was born to poor parents with no hands. Suryakanti's parents were dismayed at the prospect of a fresh financial burden but as time progressed, the young girl displayed a passionate thirst for knowledge. Unable to send her to school, her mother began teaching her at home. Eventually, our determined young woman learnt to write expertly with her toes and she went on to become a school teacher. Today, she is employed with a primary school as a teacher and is responsible for taking care of her whole family consisting of her ageing parents and teenaged brother. Suryakanti could have abused her fate for denying her what almost everyone had - the use of her hands. She could have borne grudges against her older siblings for saddling her with the duty of looking after her parents and sibling. Instead, she surmounted all odds to overcome her disabilities and took on the onus of taking her care of her family selflessly. If this is not optimism, I don't know what is. I am certain that despite everything, Suryakanti faces every day with a smile and the hope that it will turn out well. My life is not even half as difficult as hers. Is yours? Then, let us take a cue from her and discard the weighty rags of needless negativity and pessimism. Let's #lookup at the sky and find something to be glad about, in it's limitless expanse. 

Does India have a green conscience?

Taken at Aarey Colony last year

This whole Aarey Colony business has left me feeling tired and hopeless. When I visited this cocoon of greenery last year, I was astonished that such a place had been allowed to exist in a commerce-driven city like Mumbai. I should have known it was too good to last. After all, we are talking about a city where the BMC sneaks behind our backs to chop acres of trees by night; where 90 per cent of the populace does not hesitate to chuck wrappers into the lap of nature and most trucks and vans have never had a pollution check done in years. This is a city whose authorities don't care about anything except 'development' and commerce. I have begun to think of development as a bad thing; because it almost always means the death of thousands of innocent trees and the birds and creatures that have their homes in them.

It beats me as to why such a religious country has so little reverence for the environment. Appreciating the world we live in is not philanthropy; it's a logical homage to the ecosystem that allows us to breathe fresh air, rejuvenate ourselves in beautiful places and reap the benefits of rich natural resources. Yet it seems that our government does not understand this simple truth and is only invested in hastening the collapse of the planet in the name of development.

They say they are going to build a park in Aarey Colony, on the lines of international landscaped gardens. Well I don't want your stupid manmade parks. I want glorious wilderness; so much more welcoming, free and pure. I want to ask the officials who drew up this soulless plan - have you never enjoyed a quiet evening surrounded by hills and endless patches of unmown grass? Would you really prefer spending your weekends in the midst of scalding grey concrete? Is that the kind of world you want to create for your children? But I'm being naive, am I not? It's all about generating more and more revenue and filling up the coffers until more houses can be bought; trips taken and cars ordered. It's all about material gains and golden words like employment and GDP.

I went to Europe for the first time last year and I was struck by the quality of the air they breathed; the parks around every corner and the absence of unseemly fumes from the oldest and the cheapest vehicles on the streets. Compare this with my gruelling bus ride yesterday from BKC to Kurla station; a distance of just 3 KM but it took me one hour in the evening thanks to the unyielding traffic. And I spent the entire time inhaling noxious fumes from my own bus and the surrounding vehicles. I don't know how much damage I did to my lungs in that one hour but I hardly had a choice in the matter.

These days, when I visit a beautiful natural spot, I commit it to memory, I take as many pictures as I can and I write about it in minute detail because I cannot be sure that I'll be able to visit that spot again, in a few years time. This is a country where natural beauty is a disposable commodity and why shouldn't that be the case when we have wonderful, 'educated' citizens who use the world beyond their windows as a vast garbage bin? How many more fights should I pick up with people in the local train for teaching their children to throw orange peels on the floor? How many more instances where the tea tastes bitter after reading a report of more trees being murdered? Even if we do save Aarey this time, what when another heartless, brainless fool comes up with an even more lucrative plan to commercialise the area?

I don't know who deserves more condemnation - the government or people like you and me, who are content to witness the ruin of our city and eventually, the ruin of the country and the planet. It is a hopeless and a Godless world where people don't have a green conscience.

Label yourself.

Today, I read an excellent article about hypersomnia and by the end of it, I was really eager to find out who had written it. There it was at the bottom of the page - Virginia Hughes, science editor. Those two words 'science editor' stood out like a beacon in the dark. I was intrigued. Who exactly is a science editor? Is she a scientist or a journalist? I Googled Virginia Hughes and found that she had an impeccable profile - a bachelors in neuroscience from no less than Brown University (an Ivy League institution) and a masters in science writing from The John Hopkins University. Did you even know that one can get a masters degree in 'science writing'? I didn't. Her professional record was even better, spanning names such as Discovery and National Geographic and displaying a steady ascent up the corporate ladder. How does someone achieve such an exceptional level of what I define as success? (I believe one is successful when one is the best or one of the best in one's field). No doubt, Hughes must be really intelligent but what sets me thinking more, is how certain she must have been on what she wanted to do in life. She liked science. She was a good writer. There were a million options before her. But she had the knack of bringing a passion and a skill together to produce a career that would probably never ever bore her. Can you say the same about the profession you're engaged in? Me, I am where I want to be, but I guess I'm too much of a generalist. Maybe you are, too. And so, say what you will, but labels are so intoxicating. And if you can't label who you want to be, how can you even get there?

Corporate writer. Travel blogger. The second I embellished my profile with these labels, I felt better. I felt more purposeful and clearer about who I was and where I was going. If you want to achieve a goal, you have it to be able to put a label on it. Award-winning novelist. Does that sound pretentious? It does to me too, but it also absolves me from wasting my time on penny press fiction. Because I know that's not what I'm aiming at. If I'd said I want to be a best-selling novelist, the direction of my efforts would vary. I've been writing travelogues ever since I began travelling. But it was only when I felt confident enough to call myself a 'travel blogger' that I actually realised how much I enjoyed the activity and how committed I was to it. As a bonus effect, associating myself with the label increases my commitment to it even more. No you can't be an 'avid reader' if all you read is one book in three months. Label yourself but find a label that really means something to you; find one that aptly defines the person you dream of being. Find it, and do your very best to make it your own. Be someone.

P.S.: Labelling yourself on the basis of your beliefs and preferences (such as religion) will do little to make you a success. We're talking about action-oriented labels here.

I write on travel at Trail-stained Fingers. Feel free to get in touch through the website or connect on Facebook or Twitter.